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mathcasey · February 13th, 2009

What you guys think of my manifesto?

Creating exciting wearable art in tandem with artists around the world. ARDT is the intriguing visual adventure and exploration of the figments of inspiration, passion and imagination of the most exciting creatives around the world.

Any comments or advice on how to word it better?

jiarby · February 13th, 2009

manifesto makes me think of Lenin & Stalin.

I think it sounds weird becase the grammar is wonky, it repeats itself... "around the world - twice"
"Adventure" needs "an" instead of "the"
"ARDT is AN intriguing visual adventure"

"figments of inspiration" = nope
"figments of passion" = nope
"figments of imagination" = ok

All in one sentence:

ARDT is an intriguing visual adventure that creates wearable art exploring the passions and imagination of the most exciting and creative artists from around the world.

better but still a little bit of a run on. use the right prepositions and avoid too many conjunctions. Don't say the same thing twice in two separate sentences.

jkruse · February 14th, 2009

I would suggest that you should have it make more sense.

What point are you trying to get across, who are you trying to talk to.
You need to break down your message so you can understand them without any confusion.

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